WOW 8 weeks, feels like a lifetime.....

It's been 8 weeks, and it feels like forever.

Yesterday marked the 8th week since my dad passed away. I didn't sleep the night before, last night and I'm hoping that tonight I'll get a little sleep.

What keeps me awake?

Everything. I guess it would be weird to think about the things that don't keep me awake.

So here are a few things that run through my head.

My mom. I love my mom so much, and I don't know what I'd do without her. I know that she's suffering so much every day, and I know that yesterday was so hard on her. I know she can't imagine her life without my dad, and how is she going to do it? My mom is so strong. I find strength in her every time we talk. My heart breaks for my mom, because she lost her true love! I love her as my mother & as my best friend.

My dad. I love him more than he would have ever known. I think about him and my throat hurts because it get's that feeling in it when you are crying your eyes out, and can't breath. Even though I may not be crying, my throat still hurts so much. It's that blocking feeling, you know the one I'm talking about. My heart breaks for him every day. Truly selfish reasons, ya know. It's selfish because I still want him here. I want to talk to him about silly things. I just bought a new car the other day. I know it sounds silly but he would have been so happy to see me in this car. He couldn't stand the jeep. He always worried when I drove it. So I've bought a BMW, and he would love it. I like to think that he was there with me when I was getting it, that he was smiling down on me. I miss when I would call at night, and he'd answer the phone, and I would do everything in my power to keep him on the phone, just a little bit longer! He'd always try to get off the phone and give it to my mom. I'd laugh when my mom got on the phone and say something like "well that was a record I kept dad on the phone for 7 minutes" we'd both just laugh. Towards the end he talked more, and that's when I couldn't. I didn't know how to talk to him without getting that feeling in my throat. I didn't always want to be crying when I talked to him. I tried to stay strong. But in the end, I just broke.

I lay awake and think of all the things that we've been through in the last 8 weeks. We've had...
my birthday
dad's birthday
mom's birthday
mother's day
Damian's wedding
now father's day is coming.

Everyone at work has been talking about father's day. What they are doing, what they are getting their dad's. I can't participate in that anymore.
I did buy my dad one last thing! I got him a memorial bench, in Foster City. It's along the bay trail. It's perfect. It has a memory plaque on it, and it's somewhere we can go and remember how much he loved it out on that trail. You know, my dad had his last big surgery in October 2007. Days before that surgery he was out running miles along that trail. Who does that when they have cancer? But then again, who flies from California to London to Belfast and back, 3 weeks before they dye? My dad knew he was going to die, and he wanted to make that last trip to see his mother, his brother & sisters, his country. Amazing man.

These are only a few things that keep me up at night.
There is a bunch more, but I'm sure your not that interested! LOL.

So I've started today my Fund Raising for the ACS Relay For Life.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeCaliforniaDivision?px=4783018&pg=personal&fr_id=4160
Hopefully you can check out my site, and make a donation - or come out for the event. It's not until October, but it's never to early. My goal is $400 this year - I know you'll all help me make that and then some! You can even make a donation to the Luminaria's. Do you know what a Luminaria is? If you have ever been to one of these event you know what it is. They place bags along the track in memory or in honor of someone. They also place them to spell words such as HOPE. You know my dad went out to every one of those events that he could in the last 7 years. I think it's just amazing. I remember a few years ago, counting all the bags out there for my dad - in honor of him. I couldn't 17 of them. I know I only did 1. Just amazing. It will break my heart to see them In Memory of him, but it will also be so wonderful! I think this event is going to be so hard, but all the firsts are!

I appreciate any donations you can give, every dollar counts!

I love you daddy ~ xoxo