2 months to the day

Well today is 2 months to the day. I know that last week I posted about it being 8 weeks, and it was, but 2 months to the day, to be honest it feels like a lifetime ago. When I say that it sounds weird, because it's not that any of my memories are fading, not that the sound of his voice is fading, it's that it seems like such a long time ago that I saw my dad. As many of you know my dad wasn't himself at the end, but he was still my dad! It broke my heart to see him that way. He always had such a brilliant mind, and towards the end, it took everything in him to talk.

Yesterday was Father's Day. Not that I felt like doing anything, to be honest, I just wanted to stay in bed. But of course, I didn't. We were going to go down to Carmel for the day with Mom, Anthony & his family, but we didn't because I really don't enjoy just sitting on the beach all day, it was Scott's first father's day, and I had something else that I wanted to do. Yes me, being selfish :-)

We went up to the cemetery to visit with my Dad. I know my Mom & Anthony usually go on Sundays, but they were going to be down in Carmel. So we went up there. It's such a beautiful place, it's peaceful. Scott and Brody came, and then they went off to explore everything - the grounds are pretty cool. Brody didn't understand it, and when I tried to explain it, he said "good, Papa's better" I told him that he wasn't, he asked why? How do you answer that to a 5 year old? So I told him that his Papa was an angel now, and how cool was that. He told me he didn't want him to be an angel, he wanted him to be here with us. I told him so did I, Donca & everyone else, but that God had another plan. (If I ever figure out what that plan is, he better make sure it's a good one). He didn't love the answer, but for the most part he accepted it, his Papa's an angel.
After that we went to Foster City to check out the bench that I had ordered & installed for my dad. It's along the water, along the path he use to run, he use to walk, he loved being on.
It was beautiful to see it there. As you sit on the bench, this is what you see. I just love it, you can see the planes coming into SFO, you can see the wildlife preserve between Foster City & Redwood Shores. It's peaceful.
I know that this seems weird to have it pictured~ but I always want to remember yesterday. My first father's day without my father. How can a 31 year old not really think the day would come that her daddy died? The logical part of me totally knew the day would come. But the daughter, the little girl, his little girl.... never thought it would. So this is it. The memory plaque for my dad. It's just beautiful to me.

I love you Daddy....
xoxoxo

WOW 8 weeks, feels like a lifetime.....

It's been 8 weeks, and it feels like forever.

Yesterday marked the 8th week since my dad passed away. I didn't sleep the night before, last night and I'm hoping that tonight I'll get a little sleep.

What keeps me awake?

Everything. I guess it would be weird to think about the things that don't keep me awake.

So here are a few things that run through my head.

My mom. I love my mom so much, and I don't know what I'd do without her. I know that she's suffering so much every day, and I know that yesterday was so hard on her. I know she can't imagine her life without my dad, and how is she going to do it? My mom is so strong. I find strength in her every time we talk. My heart breaks for my mom, because she lost her true love! I love her as my mother & as my best friend.

My dad. I love him more than he would have ever known. I think about him and my throat hurts because it get's that feeling in it when you are crying your eyes out, and can't breath. Even though I may not be crying, my throat still hurts so much. It's that blocking feeling, you know the one I'm talking about. My heart breaks for him every day. Truly selfish reasons, ya know. It's selfish because I still want him here. I want to talk to him about silly things. I just bought a new car the other day. I know it sounds silly but he would have been so happy to see me in this car. He couldn't stand the jeep. He always worried when I drove it. So I've bought a BMW, and he would love it. I like to think that he was there with me when I was getting it, that he was smiling down on me. I miss when I would call at night, and he'd answer the phone, and I would do everything in my power to keep him on the phone, just a little bit longer! He'd always try to get off the phone and give it to my mom. I'd laugh when my mom got on the phone and say something like "well that was a record I kept dad on the phone for 7 minutes" we'd both just laugh. Towards the end he talked more, and that's when I couldn't. I didn't know how to talk to him without getting that feeling in my throat. I didn't always want to be crying when I talked to him. I tried to stay strong. But in the end, I just broke.

I lay awake and think of all the things that we've been through in the last 8 weeks. We've had...
my birthday
dad's birthday
mom's birthday
mother's day
Damian's wedding
now father's day is coming.

Everyone at work has been talking about father's day. What they are doing, what they are getting their dad's. I can't participate in that anymore.
I did buy my dad one last thing! I got him a memorial bench, in Foster City. It's along the bay trail. It's perfect. It has a memory plaque on it, and it's somewhere we can go and remember how much he loved it out on that trail. You know, my dad had his last big surgery in October 2007. Days before that surgery he was out running miles along that trail. Who does that when they have cancer? But then again, who flies from California to London to Belfast and back, 3 weeks before they dye? My dad knew he was going to die, and he wanted to make that last trip to see his mother, his brother & sisters, his country. Amazing man.

These are only a few things that keep me up at night.
There is a bunch more, but I'm sure your not that interested! LOL.

So I've started today my Fund Raising for the ACS Relay For Life.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeCaliforniaDivision?px=4783018&pg=personal&fr_id=4160
Hopefully you can check out my site, and make a donation - or come out for the event. It's not until October, but it's never to early. My goal is $400 this year - I know you'll all help me make that and then some! You can even make a donation to the Luminaria's. Do you know what a Luminaria is? If you have ever been to one of these event you know what it is. They place bags along the track in memory or in honor of someone. They also place them to spell words such as HOPE. You know my dad went out to every one of those events that he could in the last 7 years. I think it's just amazing. I remember a few years ago, counting all the bags out there for my dad - in honor of him. I couldn't 17 of them. I know I only did 1. Just amazing. It will break my heart to see them In Memory of him, but it will also be so wonderful! I think this event is going to be so hard, but all the firsts are!

I appreciate any donations you can give, every dollar counts!

I love you daddy ~ xoxo

7 weeks later

Today marks 7 weeks after my Daddy passed away, and I'm still pissed off.
I walk through my life right now kind of hazed over. I have really no interest in anything at all. I get up, get Brody ready, take him to school, go to work, go pick Brody up, go home, make dinner....it's the same thing every day. But it's still hazy.
I think about my Dad all the time. Sometimes I'll be doing something totally unrelated, and a thought will come into my head. Yesterday a friend of mine came and meet me for lunch at work. She was telling me about how her daughter just had prom. I was remembering how when I was in high school (yes a hundred years ago), we'd have a dance, and my Dad would say, "how was the band?" I would tell him we didn't have bands at dances anymore, this wasn't the 50's :-) he's smile and laugh. I wish he was here today to ask me about the bands. My Dad always loved music. I was talking to Anthony the other day about when we were young, and Dad bought the big stereo. You remember the kind, they were in a big case, had shelves, and everything was a separate piece. We got the 6 cd changer. But no cd's. So my Daddy and I went to the music store to buy cd's, he told me I could get any cd I wanted. With all the great music, I picked Posion, Open up and say Ah. What crap today LOL. My Dad had a great cd collection, and I'm pretty sure, he had it all on his ipod. I told my mom I'd love to borrow some of the cd's to add to my ipod :-)

They say there are five stages in the grief process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I'm pretty sure there are 6: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, guilt, and finally acceptance.
I'm not sure what stage I am in right now. I guess I sometimes think I'm in denial, because I often think "this is a really bad dream, i'll wake up in a minute". Anger, well I'm pretty sure I'm permanently there. Bargaining..... I would sell my sole, if it would bring my Daddy back to me, so if there is anyone to bargain that with, let me know. Depression, is that when you walk through life in a haze? If so, yes I'm there too. Guilt, I could go on for days about guilt. I feel guilty that I wasn't there every day with him for those last 10 days. I feel guilty that I left that night, and my Mom was home with only Joannie. I feel guilty that I couldn't hold it together when I saw him that morning. I am suppose to be strong for my Mom, and I couldn't do it. I feel guilty when I laugh, or am out having a "good time". I felt guilty last weekend, that we were all down in Newport Beach at a wedding, and dancing. I feel guilty that I'm still here and my father isn't. He was such an amazing man. He never hurt a sole. He was kind, honest, trusting, fair, and a wonderful father. Acceptance? Well I haven't gotten there, I'm not sure I can get there, if I don't get through everything else first. Are these other 5 suppose to be happening all at the same time? I don't think so, that's why they call them stages right?

GOLDEN HEART

God saw you were getting tired,
And a cure was not to be,
So he put his arms around you
And whispered, "Come to me."

With tearful eyes we watched you,
And saw you pass away.
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.

A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

~ Anonymous

Isn't that a beautiful poem? For some reason it helps me get through my days. It is so true, He does only take the best.

Well that is all I have for today, I know it's been 7 weeks. I have so much inside me that I should just write it all down. Someday, if I ever get that acceptance, I'll want to read this all back again.

Daddy ~ I love you every day!

XO