April 16, 2008

On Wednesday April 16, 2008 at 4:51 AM my Daddy lost his battle to cancer.

On April 7th, we were given months. But I guess he just didn't have it in him any longer.
My dad asked my brother to get the trust in order, Anthony did. He finished it on Monday April 14th. On the 15th, my Mom called me to come up. She said it was important for Anthony and I to be there. Earlier that morning, hospice had come, and said that he was in the final stages of dying. My brother called our Priest, Father Healy. Father Healy came over right away and performed the Last Rites with my Dad. My Mom & Sister-In-Law were there too, so they all prayed, and took holy communion. When I got there it was about a quarter after 5 (pm). I ran and got dinner for everyone. My mom's friend was up since Monday, and was going to be leaving on Wed afternoon. So the 4 of us sat and had dinner. After, I went upstairs to lay with my daddy. I told him how much I loved him, and how I didn't want him to go, but if he needed to, that I understood. He needed to hear it from all of us, I think. My Mom had been telling him for days, Anthony told him that everything was sorted out, and I told him it would be OK. Even though it's not OK, it was what was best for him. As I laid there with him, he sat up quickly in bed, and wanted to get out of bed. I jumped up, ran to help him. "what do you need Daddy?" I just need to go downstairs" he said to me. This was his thing. The need for going downstairs. He came down, sat with us all for awhile, and around 9:30 Anthony took him back upstairs. Around 11, Mom kicked us out of the house, telling us to go home to our families. I went upstairs, kissed my Daddy goodnight, told him I loved him, and said "i'll see you tomorrow". He said "I love you, I love you" I said "I know Daddy, I love you too, see you tomorrow" and he said "I don't think so". He knew that he was going to dye.
I came home, and was just not settling. I didn't really sleep, was up from 4 AM. I finally got out of bed at 5:30, and went into the shower. At around 5:40, Scott came into the bathroom, and said "your Mom just called, and your Dad has passed away" I think I went into shock. I didn't understand what he said. I asked him to tell me what that meant. He said, "you need to hurry up, and call your mom". I rushed out of the shower, called her, hung up, dried my hair, jumped into the car, and went speeding up the 101 at 6:10 AM. My Dad had passed away at 4:51 AM.
My Mom told me that he was up and down until 1AM, and she said, "don't keep doing this sweetheart, just lay with me" She told him she loved him, he told her he loved her too. At 4:51 she woke, hearing a gurgling noise, she held his hand, and he stopped breathing. She laid with him for about 30 minutes, went and got her friend, she came in and checked, and yes he was gone. They called Anthony then me, then the hospice. Hospice came and started making the arrangements for the funeral home to come and get him. When I got there, I went upstairs by myself, kissed his forehead and began to cry. My Mom came up and just held me.
The rest of that day is sort of a blur to me. We did so much. When the funeral home came to get him, they asked us to go into the kitchen while they brought him down. I think my brother was with him, but I don't know if he watched them move him. The noise of them bringing him down the stairs and wrapping his body in plastic is a sound I will never get out of my head. I lay down at night, close my eyes, and that is what I hear, and I see him laying in bed.
He looked so peaceful. It was strange. He hadn't looked so peaceful in weeks.
We buried my father on Saturday April 19th, 2008. His birthday is Wednesday April 23rd. He didn't even make it to his 65th birthday.
I have so many issues with this, I can't even begin to tell you.
Cancer is a rotten, rotten, rotten disease. It took the life of an amazing man. A man that was truly good. I will never understand it, and I will never be at peace with it.
Daddy, I know you are no longer here on earth with me, but I know you will always be with me. I love you more than you will ever know.
XO

what's the latest?

Well it has been a rough week.
On Monday April 7th, 2008 at 5:05 pm, I received a phone call from my Mom that the doctors gave my Dad months to live. What crap is that?
Cancer is a fucked up disease, and it takes over!
Since we've found out on Monday, my Daddy has seemed to have gone down hill so fast. We wouldn't be surprised if it was in the next week or two.
Part of me wants him to go now, so he doesn't have to suffer anymore. But the other part, the daughter part, doesn't want him to go. I'm not ready. Is that selfish? I know he's not the same Daddy anymore, even in the last 2 weeks he's gone down hill, he's not the same. But there is still a part of him that is.
Daddy has a brilliant strong mind! Most of the time these days it doesn't seem that way. But I try and rationalize that he's still there. He's up and down every 10 or 15 minutes - all day and all night. I went to check on him last night around 9:30 and he was sitting on the edge of the bed. I asked him if he needed help up, he said yes. OK. What do you need Daddy? I just need up. OK, lets get you up. Why do you need up? I just need up. But then he wanted to lay back down. I told him to just lay down, and I'd swing his legs in for him. He looked at me and said "this is too much for you sweetheart". It broke my heart is what it did. He laid down, and I kissed him and told him I loved him, he just kept telling me over and over again that he loved me. Earlier before this I had gone in, and just laid with him on the bed, and held his hand. He is such an amazing man.
I'm going up again today - this time I'm bringing Brody and Scott with me. They haven't been coming with me. Mostly it's just something that I needed to do on my own. Yes I know, I need to ask for help when I need it. But like I said this is something that I needed to do on my own. I just needed to be with my Daddy by myself.
Pray for us all.