Why haven't I written lately?

I ask myself everyday to write here. But it's been too painful. I start typing, then I can't finish.
Sometimes what I am feeling is too personal, other times I just don't think anyone will understand.
It's been 7 months. 7 months since I got to hold my daddy's hand, tell him how much I love him, and pray that it was going to be OK. It's been 7 months and I still feel so empty. It's been 7 months and it still pisses me off every day! I wake up pissed, angry, sad, frustrated & sick to my stomach. I cry every day at least once. I wonder will it always be this way? I don't want it to go away, because if if it does, does that mean I'm forgetting? If I don't feel this way every day, what does that mean?

With the holiday's coming up, I wonder.....'shit, how are we going to get through this?' How am I going to continue being "strong" for my mom, to get her through this? I wouldn't change being strong for my mom.....not at all..... it's what my role has become. She referred to me as "the rock" last Thursday at a group we went to. Mom often talks about going to a support group, but then most likely ends up talking herself out of it. The one last Thursday was to help you "cope with the holiday's". I said that I was interested, and wanted to go. So off we went. It was hard. My mom had a hard time, but I think it was good for her. I had a hard time listening to her, and trying to be "strong" to get through it. Could you imagine the two of us being basket cases? LOL.
Part of me thinks that being "strong" will get me through another day. But in the long run will it end up hurting me? Will I finally just break one day?

It's been 7 months. It's been 7 months and I miss my daddy probably more every f**king day.

I love you daddy
xoxoxox